The big media conglomerate Manifesto

1. Cynicism is underrated, therein a core value of our association.
2. Do not engage with people who don't have kind hearts. This one is straight from Rupert (won't say which one).
3. Attempt to be well liked, then lean into the failing miserably part if all goes south. See this reflected in the work of many 'mean girls' and 'alt right baddies' of the Internet. But don't be alt-right. Maybe just agoraphobic for a few years. Or fake your death and then watch people feel bad about not inviting you to things. 
4. Do not speak ill of Sinead O'Connor.
5. Only smoke cigarettes when you've had a bad day at work/you are at the pub/bar/sitting outside the club and you're 18 years old and no men have approached you even though you're wearing a crop top for once but maybe that's actually the problem so you chain smoke a whole pack and then get on the train home really drunk.
6. Try to fight the horrible urge to cut a fringe when things get bad. It will get better (probably) and you will have less regrets. 
7. If a man starts speaking to you about neoliberalism, leave as soon as you can. You don't know what he's capable of. He also probably doesn't know what it means. And don't let him pop your menthol cigarette. 
8. A lot of jokes you tell are going to flop. But a lot of jokes you tell are going to fly. Especially never forget this when you're at the pub or a party with a group of people you don't really know but really want to infiltrate and you think it's a good idea to tell a questionable joke. They definitely will all laugh. 
9. Public transport is theoretically an incredible invention. Never hesitate to speak ill of the government's dealings with it. But don't hate the player (bus and train) hate the game (transport minister of any political leaning, idgaf and the ticket inspectors). 
10. Get an interesting job :).
11. Pretend you've read a lot of books you haven't. Also applies to TV, movies and albums. Most people will never probe and it makes you look cooler than you are. Nodding and saying 'I know' goes a long way. Because yeah, yeah, I know.
12. Never hit the ground running.