im back but i never really left because we are in cyberspace

im back but i never really left because we are in cyberspace ♺

 When I started this blog, I had an admin job where I could spend my time making a blog instead of working. Now, I'm back working retail and can no longer blog on the clock. I make significantly less money. I guess I enjoy it more though. Human interaction and all that. Feeling like I'm making something of myself. Back pain pushing me to the limit. Superiority complex from the step count. 

But that's where I've been. Shelving books. Hanging out with my friends. Trying to find an interest outside of drinking, smoking, and scrolling on my phone. I've developed a cough and I've deleted Instagram. Progress, the push and pull of latent addiction. 

When I have a big weekend I want to pause time and stay in the moment. Like be stuck at the pub or in the bathroom of the club forever, perpetually fingering the straw of a gin and tonic and smoking an Esse. Making politics out of my friend's hook-ups and playing therapist. Deftly avoiding questions about myself as to become the ultimate sounding board. I want to disappear into you. 

I look out the window of my bedroom in my flat and every night there's one particular building on the horizon that is always lit up. It sort of looks like a prison, or a defunct Rydges hotel. I wonder if maybe one day I can go stay there. Blind myself with the white LED firestorm's glow. Sleep on the nice pillows. 

I just finished reading Car Crash by Lech Blaine. It was amazing. It made me think about how much I feel like an imposter when it comes to class and even my personhood, and how much I should just let that go. I am who I am or whatever. Car Crash is an official Big Media Conglomerate endorsement. Going to force my mum to read it and then try slip it into my friend's bags. 

I have nothing to do now I have no social media. Just write, listen to music, stare at the ceiling, do a horse shaped puzzle. Sorry if this doesn't read very well - it's a bit rough around the edges. It's 11:30PM and I'm lying in bed writing this because I can no longer consume short form video content. I have cut myself off. Woke up the other morning and decided I was done with it. No more watching tens of thousands of people's perfect faces every day, or mindless slop content that fuels my sense of humour. The referential humour can only go so far. I need to hold my own. Do not mistake this as some sort of attempt at self improvement. 'Self improvement' leads to alt-right values and premature baldness. Ask every guy I graduated high school with. More on that soon.

Til next time, 

BMC xxxx






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